Always
by I want to be Jesse's girl
Summary: If Jesse died both body and soul in the hospital when Suze brought his body back from the 1800's - during Twilight/Heaven Sent. A songfic - Saliva's Always in Paul's POV - set a couple of years after that incident occurs. Sequel is up!


**I was listening to this song and this idea just came to me randomly. My first time doing a fic in anyone else's view besides Suze's. Yeah I do realize that this is not totally Paul - and to be truthful I doubt that even in the circumstances that this would transpire – in other words I don't think it's fully in character for the ones mentioned below. Wow! I really do know how to sell my fic, don't I?**

**I am aware that this may come off completely confusing so let me explain….This is Paul's POV (anyone surprised , okay moving on). This is sort of what I based during (just at the end about) the events of Heaven Sent/Twilight (the 6****th**** book in the Mediator series – which you'll should have known) when Paul go back in time to the 1800s to save Jesse therefore condemning Suze to a life without De Silva (isn't Slater sweet? Lol) and then Suze follows him and by mistake brings Jesse body to her future and then ghost Jesse gets into his body and lives…yahhh – well that's Cabot's version but what if Jesse dies in that hospital, both his body and soul. Well yeah that's basically the summary – big one isn't it? **

**Oh and before I forget: ****Disclaimer**** – these characters can be found in the Meg Cabot's best series (well my favourite series ever) called the Mediator and yeah there are 6 books if you haven't read it well then go out and do so I bet you won't be disappointed. Oh and the song yeah that not mine either its by Saliva (I know right) and surprise surprise its called Always which is of course why the fic is named as such. Yeah it's an old song but I love it none the less – not my favourite but definitely durable and much better than so much of the crap on radio nowadays.**

**Wow don't I have a big of a rambling problem. Anyways sorry about the mammoth A/N I leave you to read the fic now. **

**Reviews will be appreciated. Thanks for reading guys.

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****ALWAYS**

_I hear, a voice say "Don't be so blind"  
It's telling me all of these things  
That you would probably hide!_

Paul Slater, that name – my name – used to strike so much fear in you but a few months later, you are here in my bedroom, on my bed and all I can think about is how vulnerable you look and the fact that I was the other guy. I still am the other guy.

Of course, you would rather bleed, than admit, at least to me, that you were weak. That I was the boulder to your rock; that I provided you the strength you seek. But still I know that's not enough. It will never be enough because I am not him…in your eyes he was the perfect man and no one could replace him, least of all me, the slimiest of slime as you constantly feel the need to remind me.

_Am I your one and only desire?  
Am I the reason you breathe,  
Or am I the reason you cry?  
_

I was the one you turned to when he wasn't there. My kisses would make you swoon but at the end of it he won the main course, didn't he? You gave him your heart on a platter and he took it with him. Now, you're nothing more than a shell of the green eyed girl I admired. The one who would trek in and out of trouble like it was made for her.

Whatever you think of me Suze, don't mistake me for a fool. You may sigh when I kiss you, tremble when I use your body but you close your eyes and I have no doubt that you mistaken me for him.

It hurts Suze, it hurts like hell to know that when I caress you, you think I'm him. But for that moment I let go of the fact, for these times are few and far between. You respond with as much fierceness. You need this, at least for the time being and I let you use me like you always do for my need exceeds yours, but I know I will never be fully satisfied because at the end of this you will push me away. You always do.

When will I learn?

I await the water works that are about to arrive. I felt a tear slid down your cheek as I kiss your face. As usual, I am the one who is blamed. I am deemed the one at fault. Like I was the only one, who participated in the event that transpired just a few moments ago. I took advantage of you, or so you say, in spite of the fact that you knocked on my door in the middle of the night.

But Suze, one question: This attraction or whatever you name it…isn't this allowing you to feel? To survive? Hence I endure the words you curse me with, the lies you happily berate me with in the hope that someday, you will realize that you are wasting away on a corpse of a man.

_Always, always, always,  
I just can't live without you!_

I wish that you would acknowledge your potential. What you are. You are so much more. However, mediating as you insist on calling it, no longer appeals to you. Now, those charity cases of yours, appear on my doorstep but unlike you, I don't feel the need to aid the already deceased – they had a lifetime to help themselves so I send them to the Great Beyond. What or where that is, I don't know nor do I truly care, at least not for the moment for all that occupies my mind at the moment is winning you, not just your body, but the essence of you. Your heart. Your soul.

I never thought that I would be so preoccupied attempting to gain the affections of someone who on more than several occasions has professed their hate for me. Perhaps that's what draws me to you. I truly don't know what it is about you that makes you so special. That makes me crave you. After all, what are you but a girl, and that too one who is damaged beyond repair, at least emotionally.

I mean sure, you are attractive, who knows someday you may become a trophy wife but you are not exceptional. Sure, green eyes are rare, especially ones that sparkle like you're used to when you have life in them. When you were more than just broken. And that body has driven me wild, more than one occasion as you would know from the number of times we have ventured beyond second base and always with wild abandonment. I have been around the field before. Sampled females who have had men literally drooling at their sight but nothing, none of them have felt as good as you. There's always that question that plaques my mind: What is it about you that leaves me constantly wanting, wondering about your well being?

You are like a drug I crave and my addiction cannot be curbed. The more I have of you, the more I want from you. Need you. So as always, I let you turn to me despite the fact that I know I should leave.

_I love you!  
I hate you!  
I can't get around you!  
I breathe you,  
I taste you!  
_

You don't prize much anymore even your wise Gandalf, a.k.a Father Dominic cannot break pass your barriers through to you. There is only one time that anyone gets a glimpse of the real Susannah Simon. The one that used to be. I wonder does it hurt to know that that one person is me - the guy you have named everything in the books from bastard to the lesser tamer terms.

I won't call what you do making love. After all, for that to occur there should be more than simply lust or need but for you Suze, there will never more. It never will be more.

I have asked myself numerous times, what I feel for you. It a curious emotion, one that hasn't been named. A mixture between love and hate, the combination of pleasure and pain. Of course, that saying is true: you can't feel love without hate, pleasure without pain. But really Suze, this confuses me, it feels like a conflict within myself. A battle that I cannot truly ever win.

Maybe this is not love, rather an addiction. For the pleasure is so rare. Usually pain is the concentrated emotion that fills my heart. You have never chosen to look closely to find the hidden part of me, peel back the layers to find more than the image I portray, but if you do, you will find that I'm not heartless rather the term is misunderstood.

_I can't live without you!  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess then I'm out that door  
And now I'm done with you!_

_(Done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you)_

It can't be healthy. This obsession. But the more I try to break away, the more my resolve crumbles. I attempt to replace you with other girls. With other women. Those who are prettier. Those who are not as damaged but somehow all I think about is you even when I'm with them in the basic way of a man and woman.

Somehow, their hair always seems wrong, even when I do find the dark brown waves cascading a little above their waist and their skin always seems to be the wrong shade, either too tanned, or too pale. The main difference, I know, is in my mind, the fact that they are not you. They will never be you and I will never truly be with you.

I guess I am bound to a life of loneliness and I should accept it. We are simply two lost souls who seek the other to delude ourselves for a little while using our physical connection, in the literal term, to suppress our pain. We are old souls, so similar, yet so different in the ways that matter.

But now I've decided that there is no hope for me, at least not here with you so nearby. I tell you I'm leaving. I probably won't be back. If I expected a reaction, I would have been disappointed. For you simply stare. Then in a soft tone you ask me "Where?" I guess the why was obvious.

I was unsure of where my plans would take me. But as long as it was away from here. Away from you, it would serve the purpose. Looking down at your naked form, I reply, "Somewhere far away from here" and you nod. I sense something beneath your facade… perhaps unhappiness. But I know I'm deceiving myself, once again.

You then ask me, "When?" and I reply as soon as possible, within this week, perhaps the next couple of days. You don't look at me, purposely avoiding my gaze. And as the clock ticks, I realize that this will be the last time I see you. I don't say anything neither do you as you pretend to sleep. Your eyes closed, your breathing rhythmic. The pretense is soon over as morning approaches and you have to leave to reach your own bed before anyone finds out about your activities the night before.

I only watch, as you get off the bed, struggling to hook your bra on. You leave and I let you. For what more is left to be said? What more is left to be done?

It's better this way, without your presence. It may be the only way to get over you and your constant painful infliction. I know though, that I will never ever forget you or your name. You will always be the wild defiant girl to me.

_I feel, like you don't want me around  
I guess I'll pack all my things  
I guess I'll see you around  
It's all, been bottled up till now  
As I walk out your door  
All I can hear is the sound _

A small part of me feels relieved for finally getting rid of you and your toxic ways. But a larger part weeps for you, even though all you cause me is despair. However, it becomes official as I pack my bags and book a flight that will take me far away from here. From you. I chose a separate continent entirely, to put as far a distance between us as possible.

I let my eyes wander across this cold, cold house, so similar to me in many ways. I don't carry much from here. A silly waste, I admit, but I don't want to remember you or Carmel.

There's not all that much to say to the old man across the room. I know he's glad to get rid of me. We have never been close at least not the way a grandfather and his grandson should be or the stereotypical idea behind that relationship.

There's nothing else left for me here.

The sound of the door closing behind me makes it official. As I walk out to the bright Californian sun, I look back for the last time

_Always, always, always,_

_I just can't live without you_

Regardless of what I do and what I become, your name will always be in my lips. Susannah Simon. The girl who infuriated me beyond belief. The girl I want but can never have. Maybe someday I will come back, but not too soon. But hopefully someday.

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**Poor Paul**!!!

**Thanks for reading! Sorry yeah I know this isn't all that good but it's literally being haunting me and won't leave me in peace. For those who know the song they will realize that I haven't used all of it but yeah well it is way too big (not necessarily the song but the stuff I wrote - I used less than half the song - I know, I know). So yeah sorry about that. And check out the song people it's called Always by Saliva - good stuff not great but still good (at least according to me)  
**

**Wow I just read over it and this is really lame. Isn't it? And so depressing as well. Oh well anyways I leave it to you guys to decide so please review...even if it is to say that this fic sucks. I probably should stick with Suze. I was thinking of doing more Paul POV but yeah I think I should forget about it.**

**Anyways toodles - will update at least one of my fic soon (two guesses which one it will be - funny considering there are only two). But till then rock out.  
**


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